And I will actually miss them a lot. Feel to some extent as though I am "wimping out" by returning to the Sixth Form College there but I am simply not ready to leave and, as it is a 7 minute walk from my house, its silly not to go. Plus they like me there and hopefully I'll get a glowing report because of it!

The tears we had today - poor old Maclean filled up as she rounded the corner and collpased on me like a sack of potatoes. I love my Yearbook, my best friends have left some lovely comments, and I feel the need to post them on here to make myself feel LOVED :-) :

From Ian (Youth for Christ Worker at our school) : "Libbie, it has been great to have the priveledge of knowing you. I am sure you have a bright future ahead of you. You are capable of so much if you use the gifts God has placed inside you to the max. Enjoy the adventure. Ian Moore"

Laura : Hey Libbie! Good luck wherever you go! You'll go far and I love you, you're always there when I need to talk to you and I don't know what I'd have done without you. I've only really known you since Y10 but I wish it could have been longer, with you acting as "The Peace" with Hai and me squabbling in Chemistry! We have GOT to stay in touch cos otherwise I'd miss you loads. I love you Libbie. Laura xxx

MARK (I love this guy, I really do. He's like my best friend and big brother mixed into one. I will miss him so much but I know we will see him on the West End - Mark Farrent. I actually love him) "Well, Lib-a-dib-dibby, it's been a fun 2 years so here is a poem for your enjoyment:

I'll really miss you Libbie
I'll miss you all the time
I can't believe we're leaving
It really is a crime
I'll miss our songs and lessons
And that you skive off for a gig
And I'll miss the way you laugh
When I said the word "FIG!"

Furthermore, I will always remember you as the slut from "Joseph" but beyond that you have been a fun, kind and lovely person and I wouln't want to spend Physics with anyone else. I wish you all the best for the future. Love you, Mark xxx

And good grief, I do believe I am crying, so I am GOING to ATTEMPT to put some pictures on : and of course it didn't work.

OK I really do need someone to agree to co-write something with me, Samantha Foster, my English Literature fiend, has disagreed as the last time I wrote I got carried away and ... well, I was young and very much in love with Agent Fox Mulder from the X Files. Whereas now I am older and very much in love with Alastair And I have to watch the DVD the Head of Drama presented me with - "The Life and Dramas of Libbie...", a DVD featuring ALL of me filmed from Y7 to NOW, ranging from the geeky kid in Grease to the whorish Mrs Potiphar.

Am off to "Wally G" tomorrow for a "rave", doubt I'll stay too long to be involved to be honest, if beer is involved I'll beggar off, there is no WAY I am watching my friends make complete idiots of themselves next to a canal where there are SWANS, also my friend and I have both had bad experiences of lads buying us drinks that were stronger than we expected. Needless to say a whack in the goolies with stilettos cooled them off a lot

Anyway, am off to read some "New Moon" and continue my lifelong obbsession with vampires and things like that.

Bye guys

Libbie xxxx

With a vengence

Well not exactly, but I did want to make an impression.

My life has been whizzing past me in a strange, surreal blur and I just gripped tighter when I got my exam timetable last week. I have my RS exam tomorrow and I am looking forward to it in a weird way, I always seem to understand it and get pretty good grades because of it.

So what else is new?

As of today my best friend stood up to the girl who was bullying her and loads have people have congratulated her because of it. Although personally I don't think an immature 16 year old has a right to criticize my friends treatment of her boyfriend - who is moving to Shanghai next month - "Sickening" when she is the one sleeping with a 27 year old Father of one. Its not my business, I know, and not my place, I know, to comment but I have known my best friend since we played together in the play dough corner at Sunday School, she's like my sister.

Prom was last week, very good. Of course all the girls looked simply stunning in their dresses and the boys ... quite suave in in their suits but embarrassingly bad dancers on the dance floor! For once, I was moderately satisfied with my appearance and of course my partner (in crime) looked amazing. I was really proud of him that night, made me feel like a Princess.

Also, I seem to have lost a lot of weight accidentally and am back into size 12s, ladies will know exactly HOW that feels to the recently turned 16 to be able to slip into something a little bit clinger and feel more confident than I did last year with my hips and bum growing so fast I barely had time to keep up.

Got our Yearbooks today, my eyes will well up so much on Thursday afternoon it might be kinder to freeze up my tearducts for a few days. Still, the summer is gambolling towards us like a newborn lamb (I like that actually...) and with it, the future heralds us at the autumnal meadow into the crops of further studying. I can't wait, to be frank, everyone has gotten so trivial, superficial and bitchy these past few weeks and I will be glad when everybody leaves and the arguments stop, I wish people could just, for the want of 48 hours, leave their differences behind them to ENJOY the last two days we will EVER spend together as The Class of 2008.

We're all ready for a change and I really can't wait for everyone to further themselves as individuals than hanging around in pathetic little cliques, I guess thats probably why I just sit with Al and a good notebook at lunch, occasionally saying "Hi" to a few friends and basically staying the hell out of it all.

I am feeling the need to write a descriptive passage about vampires. Probably as in my languages oral exams (French went OK, my accent and over enthusiasm helped and German .. well....) I forgot what to say and said (I really am too tired to translate this into German but I THINK what I said was) "Sometimes at the weekend I go to the cinema with my Dad, at my last birthday we went to go and see "300". It was quite good but a little bit too graphic for me, however my Dad loved it because he likes bloody and violent movies." Pause whilst Frau Webster looked at me quizically, then I said this. "... he likes bloody movies because he thinks he is a vampire"
"Ah, das ist... sehr interessant. End of test."

Anyway, my wrist hurts.
If anyone wants to get involved in the vampire novel please just tell me
You will have a friend/fiend for life

Libbie x x x x

Grrrrrrrrrrrr I am so mad!

Noel's real name is Alastair, for the record.

Apparantly, Alastair fingered me up the bum. Ironic, then, how I was the last to know. God, people need to get themselves and their minds organised, for one thing, it didn't happen and for another whoever started that rumor clearly has NO life. I actually said : "Get off myspace and get a life"

Then Al heard the rumor from these two whores in our year, they were talking and bitching about him and me so when they said "Can I lend a sharpner?" (this means "Can I borrow a sharpener?" however some people haven't bothered learning how to speak properly despite receiving the correct amount of education in the UK) So he said "No" because they'd been bitching and whatnot and he ended up calling them slags (no smoke without fire) and then this stupid lad who looks like the gay guy off the tampon advert (no shit, he REALLY does) started a fight with him. Pathetic little ... its like they know they'll get a fight off him but expect something different? Einstein once said "Insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results" And he's basically hit the nail on the head when it comes to the ignorant of Bridge High School.

Grrr and then I had to face these when I got home :

User has been banned

From: AAR*N!

Is Online

Date: 05 Mar 2008, 21:10
Subject: clemo/allistair fight today
Body: right, i saw everything like, and allistair got the shit beat put of him (again), but does anyone know how it started?

and also ...

From: Bitchin' Ben

Date: 05 Mar 2008, 20:42
Subject: "he fingered her up the bum"
Body: thats well sick.
i dont get why anyone would actually do that
how many people has alister bit now? its gettin out of hand

Gee, thanks guys...

I mean for one thing its not true
For another
They don't know me and have no right

And also
How else is Al meant to fight back when someones holding his arms away?

God I hate school

Can't wait for college to get away from stuff like this . . .

Anyway, I'm going to the Deputy Head tomorrow to get it sorted out. I'm NOT being treated like that.

It was between Al and those two girls
Not that idiot
And those girls could handle themselves, they don't need HIS protection.
I've been called worse, I think it stung because its true. But if you spread rumors like that around... what DO you expect?

Also some idiot reckons they're gonna "get Al" tomorrow.
Like hell they will.
Stupid idiot

And I'm telling you all now
If that girl Rebecca* comes at me I'm going to kill her
She's horrible
Totally and grossly horrible
I mean for one thing she thinks she owns the world, second of all she IS the World.
And I wouldn't mind betting she did something towards that rumor

Rhian reckons they're all jealous, she's probably right. Doesn't stop me being upset though ....

Libbie xxxx

P.S. One of the guys (AAR*N) apologised and basically we've made up

Secondly, the guy who posted the "fingering" rumour after I wrote "Lol at the fact you actually believe that" posted back saying something like "people who go through bulletins are so sad and then message me in reply to it are totally sad gerra life deck"

I was with Rhian at the time and she said : "Lib, you OWNED him"

And you know what? I did.

SO its been awhile since I wrote but so much has gone on since I did. For one thing, all of our computers have gone to pot - internet, iTunes, msn and even Microsoft Word were down. Even more annoying was the fact that all my coursework was savd on the computer which broke so I had to go through the whole rigmarole of saving it on a 3 1/2 Floppy Disk and then the disk breaking and jeez ... grrr! The Noel saved the day by buying me a big crate of black CDs and when I had completed the work and teachers cruelly rejected al of mhy work on disks he went and played up to a Technician who eventually let him use the best printer in the school. He came up to me with all my Geography project all neatly bound up, in colour with a shiny card cover. Very pleased!

Soooo where was I on my last blog? Whining about Josh? Yes, probably. Least to say that Josh came to Rome and after a few angry disputes between us he eventually turned out to be a decent human being. In fact, when I told him about an incident that I experienced the night before we went to Rome, he was really supportive and acted like a REAL friend.

The night before I went to Rome ... bit of a background ...

Noel, like most lads his age, has an "enemy" if you will permit the childish word. The enemy goes by the name of Greg (I'd name him but knowing my luck some git who ADORES the real guy will come up and start a row after finding my blog.) Basically, Greg knows Noel is volatile and when pushed becomes violent. Greg tried to wind up Noel in an English lesson (Monday before Rome trip) and it worked, Noel apparantly got out of his chair and started hitting Greg with a hardback copy of "Of Mice and Men" before the floor puckered and Noel fell and his nose started bleeding when his head hit the desk. No one had told me ANYTHING about the incident so I had to find out all the news from other eager parties keen to spread it all about. So my friend Ellie came with me to try and find him, and by this time, I was gibbering with rage and worry. Noel's blood was all over the stairs. Needless to say, I saw him and although he was pissed off he was ultimately fine.

So that was that other than Greg staring at me really weirdly and giving me creepy smiles for the rest of the week but me, being naaive, thought I could handle it.

On the Thursday night however, Greg succeeded in upsetting me. I went into town with Noel to buy a pair of trousers and a new coat (God, how I LOVE "Evans" - the coats there manage to fit everywhere as most coats I buy are fine on the waist but tight on my bum but these are EXCELLENT!) Anyway, I got to the bus stop and Greg is there with two of his mates : Ralph (who stands at a grand height of 5ft but is a total PIG) and Craig (who is basically a nice guy, if I'm honest) Anyhow, I get on the bus and Greg sits right behind me. I felt sick. I had goosepimples. He was breathing,literally, down my neck so I moved to the front of the bus. They shouted stuff like "Libbie come and sit with us!" in a really crass and callous way. Then Greg started saying things like "The first time I beat up Noel Carstairs was last year ..." (even though Greg is a puny little tw*t he had Ralph egging him on. Besides, in any case, its usually Noel who finishes the fight and says nothing about it afterwards) They started shouting REALLY ugly stuff about Noel, realy hurtful things and then started calling about my realtionship with Noel being totally disrespectful saying things like "Have you ever...?" "Would you ever ...?" and started making up their own sick little stories. I felt sick, I actuslly retched and was afraid to get off the bus in case they followed me. Before I knew what was going on I was in tears : frustrated, upset, angry tears.

Greg got off the bus, Ralph shouted : "Hey Greg, what happened the other day with Noel in English?" They cackled like Satan as they all got off. I was shaking. But the worst thing was - no one else on the bus did anything. Not one. A man was sat behind me looking concerned for me but he did nothing. He didn't even sit next to me, or tell the lads in a jokey way to shut up. I was truly, awfully alone.

I told my Dad, who shrugged it off. My brother paced the floor in anger, although young, he's a star. My Grandfather was so angry he had to leave the room.

He asked rude questions again in Maths today so I turned all the insults around to embarras him and when he pushed it further I got out of my chair and handed him what he deserved : a prescription for two testicles. I don't think I'll ever foget the laughter that followed his reaction. Next time though, its a chair over his head. He shouldn't push me, I'm very like Noel and if pushed I too will turn on him.

Anyway, I told Josh and Josh basically said if Greg starts on Noel again, he's behind Noel 100%. "We're friends, and friends stick together. Greg hates me and if we support each other he'll give up. I'm not having anyone hurt Rhian's best friend or her best friend's boyfriend and get away with it." He gave me a big hug. "Come on, let's do it for...SPARTAAAAA!" He shouted and that's how all the SPARTAAAAA cries in Rome that week began.

I'll write back in a few days with some pictures and more vivid descriptions. I just eyed my German coursework who glared back "I'm still here..." Hmm, why do I get so much?!? Also, play from hell aka "Joseph" is next week, Tuesday, Thursday, Friday. Gosh, I can't wait to get it out of the way!

Love to all of you

Libbie xxxxxxx

Oh my Gosh, I haven't been this excited since Lauren screeched "WE ARE GOING TO MY CHEMICAL ROMANCE MOFO!" or ... Actually no. The time when Noel and I did a kilt-check for Prom and his family kilt (Gunn "Either War or Peace) is green and blue - my Prom dress colour options. He suggested if that didn't work he'd wear my tartan (Buchanan "Hence The Brighter Honour) although, I must say, I do love the Moffat clan motto "I Hope For Better Things."

I went to Moffat on holiday this year - loved it. We wanted to go to Loch Lomond but Dad decided he was "too tired". Mehh, never mind.

Last night I broke my toe. I decided the time had come for Noel to show off his dancing skills and ended up breaking my toe when we crossed legs and my leg was going really fast (like Tango Argentino fast) and then BOOM my toe hit the fireplace and I crumpled in a heap. Its my fourth toe of my left foot, and its blue, and black, red and purple. Its stuck on top of my third toe of my left foot, so I can't flex my toes as I would do normally - like the early morning "Ahhhnnnnd WAKE UP!" routine of sticking light on, scowling, and then grumpily getting into the shower, cursing.

I, of course, forgot I had broken my toe and...first thing to say in the morning? "OH MY GODDDD OWWWWWWWWWWW!" and Mum dashes in, sees toe and goes "Yup, thats broken alright Libbie"
Oh yes, why thats just great.
Seeing as I have been FORCED to not do PE for two weeks following stomach ache and the signature of my Dads girlfriend is very similar to my handwriting (both are lefties and hold pen the same so y's a very curly-pointed and so are I's and L's and R's and M's) So they all think I'm a skiver ... ah well, to be honest I don't mind. Yupp...

Also, am going to Chester Zoo with Noel on Saturday, which will be good. I am SICK of just going around town or to the cinema - its like routine? Like everybody our age, well, 14 - 17 just hangs around town or the cinema so Noel decided we'd be different and go to the Zoo. So that'll be fun.

BUT

BUT

BUT

BEST OF ALL

I AM GOING TO SEE THE MIGHTY BOOSH LIVE ON 5TH DECEMBER 2008 AT MANCHESTER M.E.N. ARENA!!! Noel's threatened to dress up as Old Gregg ... which is ... INTERESTING ... to say the least.

Rome is going to be awesome. Except my friends stupid arse of a boyfriend is going who actually makes me feel phyiscally ill, I know hate is a strong word but he makes me cringe and feel so ... exposed when he's around. Noel hates him. This friends boyfriend once got told something he shouldn't have been about me and within hours the whole school knew, first time I've ever cried in school. First time anyone has ever seen me cry in school.

When Noel heard, he went ape. Being twice as tall as this lad and having twice the guts (not physically, Noel's very slim and this lad is rather ermm rounded but I mean as in ... like "he's got balls" type guts) and what did this guy do? Run and hide. Creep. Noel found him, and made him apologise to me. My friend, obviously, took her boyfriend's side, claiming he "accidentally" told people things when I know, as soon as I walked into that classroom he came behind me and shouted it out so even the tutor heard. Completely pathetic, he really is.

Anyway, Rome is going to be great. I've always wanted to just go somewhere and really absorb the atmosphere and explore the history and culture ... sounds amazing. Its basically the kind of thing I've wanted to do for a long time and now is the perfect time to do it ... I have a real urge just to get out there and see whats in this amazing world. I've never been to Rome. I've been to Italy a few times, but around places like Siena, Florence and San Gimingano (I can't spell it - but it is really the most beautiful place.)

So ... yes, that is all that is new in the world of Facade.

Lib xxx

Venti tre giorni fino a Roma - 23 days until Rome

Hmm and annoyingly enough, good ol' Ma has popped her head around the door and said "Off that computer in ... 15 minutes!" So I better be quick. Christmas was ... alright. Boxing Day was better, spent the day with my Dad and his girlfriend at her house playing Pictionary with my younger brother. It was a great day!

Going to ROMA next month, well, the Vatican City. Noel managed to get in on the trip as well so that should be good as he's not been away since year before last and since I first met him two years ago has always banged on about going to Rome and now he's got the chance! Very pleased indeedy.

Found an ally at "Joseph" rehersal tonight. Smithy is in my Year and the typical "anti-stud stud". By this, I mean he's obviously good looking and popular but rejects it by hanging out with people with quieter personalities. He knows Noel through whole school/college detentions and their shared love of thrash metal made them close friends. Smithy likes to pop up to us at lunch time and offer Noel another fight but Noel instead offers a verbal one minus swearing and Smithy then sits down and we discuss "more normal" stuff.

Smithy shares my views on "Joseph" i.e. total crap. The only good thing that happened today was when I jumped up and my shoe flew off and whacked the drum so the lead trombone or whatever dropped it and let out a really girly scream. Also when Smithy did some stand-up ranting - think Al Murray with a bit of Russell Brand's lingustic techniques thrown in as well as a nod to Bolton born and bred peter Kay. Very, very funny indeed.

We had a conversation and I like him a lot, he and Noel are very similar although Smithy shares my random sense of humour more than Noel who "likes" The Mighty Boosh although his face whilst watching often shows otherwise, bless him.

Other than that, some 16 year old girl in our year took a naked photo of herself on her mobile phone and within two hours the majority of the school had it bluetoothed to their phones. She made a big deal out of it but seeing as she took the photograph and sent it to the most obnoxious boy in the Lower Sixth (I think Noel may have had a run in with him once or twice) then .. what does she expect? I feel sorry for her though. I'd hate the entire school to see a photograph of me in a similar situation. But as Smithy said "You wouldn't send a pic like that though would you? And even if you did Noel would delete it after a good look."

Not sure what he meant but, he's lovely. And I enjoyed today. But not the headache after trombone boy blew it down my ear in revenge for making him drop his "baby".

Ah well ... I had fun. And thats what counts.

Libbie xxxxx

My mind I think has reached maximum consumption and this is before I start redrafting my English Writing Piece, or Mathematics, or Science, or Geography revision. I don't know why I feel like this today - probably a sense of failure on the whole "no more computer unless emailing/blogging/revision" as afterwards I checked into Quizilla and spent a good three hours reading some story I can't even remember. Annoyingly enough, or should I say, maddeningly - a lot of random phrases keep flying into my head which would be excellent first sentences of something wonderful but when I go to write it down the possibly amazing literature turns into complete garb. Ah well, I'll get over it.

So this week has been better, nothing majorly blew up leaving me jibbering with rage or anything fantastic happened. It was good, OK, fine. Went out with Noel on Friday night, except we realised we had no idea what bus we were getting (we had loosely been invited to a "gathering of people" - two of which I knew - and I assumed Noel knew where we going and he assumed I knew. So he rang this person and asked "Where is it?" and then this person replied slurrily "I'm ... gonna ..." before we heard several screams and the sound of vomit hitting the floor. Noel pressed end call before looking at me with a face saying which emphasized his : "No way". So we turned around and went back to my house instead) Back at mine, Mum had gone out and my brother was at my Dads house so we stuck on some "Iron Maiden" before watching "The Mighty Boosh" and "Never Mind The Buzzcocks" (thank God NTL fixed the TV - I adore "Catch Up TV") we had another "deep" conversation. I really am having too many of those at the moment - I like the fact people trust me, its a wonderful feeling but ... on the same token... some of the things people told me are quite heavy and its hard to keep that secret if its bothering you, I guess.

So its Christmas soon. This means that Mum and Dad will start thrashing out who "has the kids" over the festive season and, to me, epitomizes the family holiday. Personally, if I had my own way, I'd like to do something really wacky over Christmas. For one thing, conscription "getting up early" really winds me up, especially as now I have reached the age where Christmas is really annoying. I am too young to do what any rational members of my family do (fall asleep drunk in front of HRH The Queens Speech) or too old to do what younger relatives do (run around with new toys screeching with gravy residuals dripping down new outfits which were ruined first thing in the morning after Christmas Breakfast Warfare). To be honest, the only feeling I remember from last Christmas was one of utter despair. Dad sulked, Mum flapped, Nan interfered with my hair by commandeering my GHDs and made my hair stick straight up like a regimented solider as my Granddad took over the Model Aircraft set before my brother ate three cherry brandy chocolates and got extremely hyper before collapsing into a giggling heap at the bottom of the stairs.

This Christmas, I want snow. And a lot of it. The North West of England seldom gets snow and its about bloody time we did. I want thick snow, really thick. I'd want it to be just me, or Noel and I, but probably just me and I'd walk through the woods nearby, next to the stream and follow it until I reached the next village before turning back and following another route home. Then, obviously, it'd be 7am and my brother would explode through his bedroom door screaming "ITS CHRISTMAAAAAAAAAAAAAAS" a la Noddy Holder and we'd all watch him open his presents and all exchange gifts before my grandparents as well as Clive and his family turned up for Christmas dinner - which would be ANYTHING but Turkey, in my opinon, turkies are disgusting creatures and to me look like effigies of a strange alien life form akin to something on Babylon 5 or Stargate. Then the usual Christmas afternoon would be had - that is, watching comedy Christmas specials or a Christmas movie. Then I'd like to spend the rest of the day with Noel - I don't know what we'd do. Probably go to "our" park for a walk or something. Then go back to either his or mine and hopefully, The Mighty Boosh will have done an hour long Christmas special and we'd watch that with a mulled wine and be daring and break the English Law of eating a mince pie on Christmas Day .

That would be my ideal Christmas, although I know it'd never happen. For one thing, Noel will be in Liverpool or Scotland and everybody who I am related to unfortunately guzzles turkey like there is no tomorrow (ironic that Christmas Day is held on sol invictus then - when the pagans realised that the world was not ending - yup, NERD at large) and ... Who am I kidding? Christmas is a chore but we all love it. I remember my Head teacher gave an amazing speech on why Christmas should not be canceled - he had written a really PC one to please the Governors before giving a bloody good few reasons why Christmas shouldn't be canceled. He did it because people were getting wound up with the whole "Christmas is racist" stuff it is. Its a RELIGIOUS FESTIVAL thats been going on for CENTURIES - unless it was to disembowel members of another faith I could see why but ... I don't know. Anyway, everybody got on their chairs and whooped, I remember his wife, a Governor, had tears in her eyes and the rest of school just cheered. I had the line: "Cry God for Harry, England and St George" in my head as all this went on. It was truly amazing. I'll never forget it. Never.

Anyway, I'm going for a cup of tea and to crack on with some English descriptive writing.

Libbie xxx

P.S. Wow, do I sound dull ... considering I like it ... really

(Just watching this made me feel better)

Yes, I really am on the verge of murder. And I'm not o-f**king-kay either. Noel got in a fight on Friday and has been suspended until Thursday. Granted, he broke the guys nose but my God, if you go out of your way to wind someone who is commonly known to attend Anger Management classes you are REALLY asking for trouble.

How did they wind him up? Well, some bright spark decided to spread something about Noel and I (which also happened to be true, which makes it more infuriating) and kept asking Noel about it. This lad kept on and on about until Noel told him to "shut the f**k up" when he stopped before making a crass comment about me - at this point Noel lost it and whacked the guy in nose, thus breaking it and getting excluded.

Even MORE annoying - people keep telling me what happened. I goddamn well know what happened, I was walking down the corridor when Noel stomped past with a fist covered in blood and the Head of Sixth Form marching him up to the Heads office. I said to Noel "Whats happened?" and he was about to answer when this teacher said "Go in. NOW!" He sort of smirked and went in.

So then I go into form (its Friday from which I'm narrating) and the first thing I get? "Did you _________?" and "Have you ever _______?" "Why did you ___________?" and it was a complete joke. I FELT like a complete joke. Ever see that crappy film Mean Girls? Well the Plastic type group sit behind me and my friends and all I could hear was snatches of whispered gossip about Noel and I and giggling and this asian guy pointed at me and said "What a slag." I nearly cried it was so bad. Anyway, then next to me my friend (THAT friend - LostHarper if you're reading) bursts into tears and flees the classroom, and I'm sat there like "WTF is going on?" until the bell went at which point I ran down the stairs and out of the school and into the woods and just sat there and listened to "I'm Not Okay (I Promise)" by My Chemical Romance. I just felt numb.

Then that night I was due at Noels house at 5ish. His parents met my Mum whilst I got the full inside scoop of him. It was a good night except we nearly got caught making out by his parents who were already pissed with him for the fight. Then on Saturday we went into the village and bought some stuff for tea and watched "The Mighty Boosh" and ate pizza. Before getting caught making out by my Mum and her boyfriend. Embarrasing? Yes.

Anyway, today was crap as well. All the dirty looks and laughs and points is getting to me. People don't realise how volatile I am to be honest. I turned on my Mum this morning for no reason and she said really scared her. I feel like crap. Tomorrows going to be worse. I hate life sometimes.

I'M NOT OKAY (I PROMISE)

Well if you wanted honesty, that's all you had to say.
I never want to let you down or have you go, it's better off this way.
For all the dirty looks, the photographs your boyfriend took,
Remember when you broke your foot from jumping out the second floor?

I'm not okay
I'm not okay
I'm not okay
You wear me out

What will it take to show you that it's not the life it seems?
(I'm not okay)
I've told you time and time again you sing the words but don't know what it means
(I'm not okay)
To be a joke and look, another line without a hook
I held you close as we both shook for the last time take a good hard look!

I'm not okay
I'm not okay
I'm not okay
You wear me out

Forget about the dirty looks
The photographs your boyfriend took
You said you read me like a book, but the pages all are torn and frayed

I'm okay
I'm okay!
I'm okay, now
(I'm okay, now)

But you really need to listen to me
Because I'm telling you the truth
I mean this, I'm okay!
(Trust Me)

I'm not okay
I'm not okay
Well, I'm not okay
I'm not o-fucking-kay
I'm not okay
I'm not okay
(Okay)

Too damn right guys, too damn right

So I've been sat around ALL day. Whether it be in class today or at home on the sofa with a blanket watching "Scrubs" to slumping over my bedroom desk with quadratic equations and German conversation questions. That is, until at 9pm I jumped on the exercise bike and then came back on the computer.

All in all, an OK day was had.

Noel's being a REAL elastic band today, but thats OK. I'll get over it.
I'm in the mood to go out dancing, I have no idea why. Partially because a classmate and I have always joked about going Salsa dancing classes and we actually discussed it as rational human beings today.

Also, I've been nominated to receive the "Educational and Performing Arts Award for Theatre Studies" this year. BIG woop. Its all a huge facade in which the school round up all the stereotyped groups and give them all awards according to the stereotyped. For instance, all the sporty kids who aren't particularly academic get sports awards, the nerdy kids claim all the science and maths awards, the normal kids get "pastoral achievement" awards, the prep kids who have hidden, deep emotions get the RS award (note to LostHarper - my friend who I was telling you about got it this year) the "emo" and "scene" kids grab music, semi nerdy kids like me nearly always get Drama or English or MFL.

I, offically, have a lot of clothes but nothing to wear. I know, its a common female complaint but it has really gotten BEYOND a complaint and become A Problem. Dress code for Awards Night is "formal" meaning no jeans, at all, unless you want to be impaled on your award (its a certificate made on MicrosoftWord on a mock parchment paper and you get a free revision guide or book or something on the subject you got the award in. Last year I got Drama and got a HMV voucher. I think one of my friends got it as a birthday present and bought a CD with it) Mehh, ANYWAY. Tried on ALL my formal clothes, but, seeing as my hips decided this year to expand and my waist deicded to nip in NONE of my clothes fit. Yes, I guess being "curvy" isn't all its cracked up to be - although if I do say so myself I have a nice bum But whats a nice bum if there are no jeans to put it in ??? Exactement. So I think its an M&S black trousers run on Wednesday night, and hopefully my Mum will take pity on the clothes situation and buy me several pairs of skinny jeans and a cardigan too. 1 word - doubtful. And another one. Highly.

One can but hope, my dears.

Anyway, the house is freezing cold (the house is TOO big for us three but we really don't want to move and the only way we can afford it is to not have the heating on AS HIGH so Jonathon - baby brother, well he's 12 but he's still a baby to me - is walking around in a tartan blanket, Mums got her thermals on and I have decided to work out more. Then jump in a nice hot shower/bath and then into a nice warm bed.) NOODLES - just noticed I have a numb foot. Gah. I want a cup of tea, so I'll go make one now.

Shame there is no Becherovka in - SUCH a warming drink!

Loveandstuff

Libbie xxx

OK so here's the deal. I am feeling very emotional charged today and have gone from lovey-dovey to seething with rage to weepy to happy in a matter of hours. I have actually frightened myself.

So this week what did I do? Oh yes I WENT TO SEE MY CHEMICAL ROMANCE IN SHEFFIELD! It was BREATHTAKING to see them live. I cried in so many of their songs - I discovered last year that music and lyrics are my way of letting off steam, I get annoyed nowadays I charge upstairs and put on "I'm Not Okay (I Promise)" and I'll feel fine, if I've had an intense day involving relationships I find "Don't Scare Me" by Julia Fordham or an old Ally McBeal soundtrack will sort me out. However, the past few months I've found any "My Chemical Romance" CD has helped me get by - it was a truly amazing show. My friend Lauren, who is even more obsessed than I, was crying during nearly all of their songs and I just felt as though finally I was at peace with the world. You see, on the 18th November 2006 my Dad packed his bags and left.

I have never cried so much in my life until today.

God, I'm actually welling up now.

I remember that day, Mum and I had gone to NEXT in town and we came back to find Dad at home with a suticase. He told me he was leaving and I couldn't take it, I flew into his arms and begged him to stay even though I knew he wouldn't. I cried so much that night, I threw up several times and was in therapy pretty soon. Therapy was RUBBISH. I mean it. I should've joined his site instead. I lied A LOT in therapy, I'd tell Maria that I was feeling "fine" when the night before I had packed a bag and tried to run away from home in the early hours and been brought home by a friends parent who'd seen me running.

That was a year ago, and I've changed so much.

Like the past 2 weeks, for instance, have been the best of my life. Last week I had only 4 days in school and they pretty much passed as normal and on the inset day (Friday) I stayed at Noels house from Friday night until Sunday night - he told me he loved me on Saturday night and I cried then too. I just feel so happy at the moment, I can't explain it. Then this week was also pretty much average until the weekend, which again, was spent with Noel. We met in town centre at 3pm, went into the shopping centre and I picked up a present for a friend (it was her birthday on saturday and I'd forgotten to buy her a present - plan was to buy her a present Saturday and give it to her same day - didn't work) and then we went for a coffee with my Dad and his girlfriend in Cafe Nero. Caught the bus back to mine and, in general, had a great time.

His parents picked him up at 3ish today and when he left I felt really weird, so I worked out. But realised I was in a REALLY "I can't be bothered with ANYTHING" type mood so had a bath, then got angry at a PILLOW (for gods sakes a PILLOW) and threw it around the room and then just sat on the floor and cried. I have the emotions of a pregnant woman and I AM NOT, before anyone asks - I can assure you.

I think its because I know I love him and ... it feels weird.

I know thats really good but I'm scared- really scared, in fact. I've never felt like this about anyone before and I've not known him that long but I feel as if I have - well we dated before but it didn't work out, we dated other people and then somehow, after a chance meeting, we're together and its more intense then it was before. Last time we dated we never even KISSED. I was too immature then, really arrogant and narcissic and "my parents divorced therefore everybody must be all over me". I mean OH PLEASE, there are people with worse problems than you. People are too bothered with other people, if people actually cared about themselves more it would solve A LOT of problems.

I also found out the other day that my best friend has been burning herself deliberately, I'd seen the marks but her boyfriend told me and I have no idea what to do. Her family is screwed, I know that much. But, honestly, I have no idea what to do.

"One day I feel I'm ahead of the wheel and the next its rolling over me"

Never was a truer word spoken.

Although, that line is followed with

"I can get back on."

I can get back on?

Yes, I think so.

Libbie xxx

"Far Cry" - Rush, Snakes & Arrows, 01/05/07